By: Keith Berger, Family Integrated Services Coordinator
For individuals who have been impacted by the family disease of alcoholism and other addictions and/or untreated mental health issues, cultivating the ability to love oneself can be challenging and is often a product of rebuilding damaged self-esteem through doing estimable acts of self-care. For many, this includes working the Twelve Steps of recovery in whichever spiritual fellowship(s) one chooses to connect with.
The idea of achieving self-love can be compared to reaching the summit of Mount Everest; it’s certainly an attainable goal that others have achieved, but it’s 29,032 feet up and requires a steep climb to reach… and no one just runs up Everest – summiting requires spending time on the mountain, first at Base Camp and then at four High Camps along the way in order to acclimate to higher and higher elevations. This is not a journey that’s advisable to attempt alone, but rather one best taken with appropriate support such as a 12-Step sponsor, therapeutic professionals and others who can appreciate the meaning of undertaking such a task and assist with the challenges that accompany it.
For many, Base Camp may be to simply stop hurting oneself (and consequently to stop hurting others). This may sound very basic but after years and sometimes decades of mistreating oneself through self-inflicted emotional harm prior to finding recovery, this idea can present a serious challenge to one’s deeply grooved maladaptive habit patterns. After spending some time letting go of self-injurious behaviors at Base Camp, one may then become ready to continue the journey and move on up the mountain, spending whatever time is necessary in each of the High Camps before attempting the summit.
Camp 1 may entail learning that each of us has intrinsic value simply by virtue of being alive in this world, and then treating ourselves as valuable individuals. This can help us begin to recover from the feelings of unworthiness that so often accompany exposure to the family disease of alcoholism and other addictions and/or untreated mental health issues.
Camp 2 can involve learning to practice self-respect based on furthering our understanding that we may be more valuable than we had realized and are actually deserving of our own respect. By consistently treating ourselves with gentleness and self-care, we reinforce positive internal messages of our inherent worthiness and our self-esteem can heal and grow.
Camp 3 can be where we learn to tolerate ourselves and our own company, which can help those who struggle with self-loathing to develop a healthier self-perception. This can be an opportunity to learn the difference between being “by myself” (which can be a lonely place) and being “with myself” (which means we spend time developing a healthier relationship with ourselves).
Camp 4 can be a time to learn to like ourselves bit by bit, shedding any negative false beliefs we may have about ourselves and realizing that “We’re not that good at being that bad”, and from there comes the push to the summit of self-love where we may finally become able to treat ourselves with unconditional love, empathy, understanding and acceptance for who we really are rather than who we might have thought we were based on previous thinking that may have at times been distorted by our exposure to toxic situations.
Of course, no one builds a house and lives at the peak of Mount Everest – they plant a flag, take a selfie and head back down (which, ironically, is even more dangerous and life-threatening than the climb up…) so in this analogy self-love may come and go depending on the state of our spiritual condition and fitness, and if we lose that feeling of self-love (or give it away again to some person or situation), the option is always there to head back up to the summit whenever we want to recover it now that we know the route!
